Here I am in the middle of the night, sitting on my bed and wishing I could fall asleep. This has become routine for me over the past several months. Every once in a while I’ll get a good night’s sleep, but most of the time I can’t seem to fall asleep and in some ways I actually dread sleeping….my dreams are never good and I wake up feeling confused and scared and as though I didn’t rest at all. I am used to this though. My mind is always racing, especially when i’m alone. Thoughts of my mistakes and the life I gave up always creep into my mind, no matter what I’m doing. I miss Matt. I love him more than anything and I know I was wrong, I know I screwed up, I know I didn’t have any clue what I was feeling or wanting at the time. What matters is that I know now how I feel, I know what I did wrong and why, and I am doing everything I can to change so that I never make those mistakes again. I’m terrified of what will (or won’t) happen in the future and my guilt and regret keep me feeling like a complete failure. I know deep down I am a good person, because I wouldn’t feel this way if I wasn’t, but I still beat myself up over what I have done. I pray that my sins will be forgiven and I will have another chance to make up for all the wrong I have done. I can’t let myself give up…I have to keep my head up no matter how bad it hurts. Maybe one day these intense dreams will subside along with the negative feelings i have towards myself. Maybe one day I will sleep normally again, will Matt and Luke by my side. Maybe….just maybe I’ll be happy again.
Sleep Deprived December 10, 2012