I frequently find myself unable to sleep,too many worries and emotions going through my mind. Most of the time it’s the “what if” thoughts. I constantly replay past events in my mind until I want to punch myself for being so stupid. I think about what could happen in the next few months…Will I be able to fix what I have done wrong? Will I be happy again? Will I be able to handle it if I try so hard and don’t succeed? To be honest, I am terrified to post about the one thing that consumes my mind day and night. I started this blog so that I could express my feelings. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Sometimes people get upset when you post too many things on Facebook and they tend to be judgmental as well. I am finding it difficult, however, to write about the one thing that is the reason why I started this blog. Perhaps it is because I don’t know how to accurately say how I feel. I can express any other thoughts I have with ease but it is hard to explain these thoughts. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid of opening myself up to more pain and suffering. For now I will continue to tread carefully towards the deeper waters of my pool of thoughts.
So here I am again, awake in the middle of the night and I have to be at work in 6 hours. I usually get about 4 hours of sleep. Things were so much easier when I wasn’t alone every night; I had the comfort of the one I love as well as a big, hairy dog at my feet. I would give anything to have that back…anything. But instead I am here, staring at a computer screen and asking myself the same questions, ones which neither I nor anyone else has the answers to…except GOD. I pray that I have the strength to handle whatever may happen in the future.
And screw prescription sleep aids. I don’t wanna feel like a zombie. The way I look at it is this: When I return to a normal sleep pattern, that is when I will know that I’m happy again. Until then, I will continue to push harder to change myself and my life.