It will be Christmas in just a few minutes and I’m not at all excited. I usually get a bit giddy and even a little anxious as Christmas approaches, but not this year. Those feelings have been replaced by thoughts of all the things that are different this year. This will be the second Christmas since my two best friends have passed….I was reminded when I was shopping for my friends, when I was wrapping gifts, and when I was searching through my photos to find pictures to put in frames. I will never again buy them gifts for Christmas and I will never again see their faces when I give them their gifts. Instead, this year I hung up a new frame with a picture of each of them on my wall….I really miss them. I’m nervous, because my mother is about to go through the same thing I did. Her best friend has Cancer in several places…I try not to think about it but I know that she may not make it much longer. She is like a second mother to me and it will be so hard to lose another person that I love so much. I can see how much it is hurting my mother and it will be extremely hard for her once she is gone.
I’m depressed even more than usual, especially for this time of year. I find it hard to be cheerful when so many things are going wrong. I wish that I had Matthew by my side to tell me that everything will be alright, but that’s not going to happen. Christmas is supposed to be when you spend time with the people you love…..well what if you can’t do that? Yes, I have my family and my friends, but there is still something missing. Christmas is not the same without Matthew and Luke. They were and still are a part of my family. I won’t be there when they receive the gifts I have bought them and I won’t be there to celebrate the beginning of a new year. No. Instead, I will here wondering what they are doing and wishing I could see them.
I honestly cannot wait for 2012 to end. I thought that 2011 was the worst year for me until my whole world came crashing down this year. I’m tired of losing people that I love and I’m tired of making bad decisions that bring me down. I pray that I have reached the very bottom and that things will only improve in 2013. I’m finding it difficult to stay positive about anything, but I will keep trying. I know that even though things seem to be so bad now, they could always be worse. So I am thankful for the things and people in my life that I do have and maybe next Christmas will be better…
….at least I’m not walking around shouting bahh humbug at people.
P.S. I finally created a page on here about my love.