LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

Anxiety January 21, 2013

Filed under: Goals — larenar13 @ 3:50 am

So far 2013 has proven to be no better than 2012. I am filled with constant anxiety and fear of my future. I do have goals, yet I am afraid of failure. I have already broken promises I made to myself, which only adds to my anxiety.
Some of my goals have changed somewhat. I do still want to attend hygiene school, but I am not sure if I would be comfortable being so far away from home, my friends and my family. I feel that I am better off waiting one more year to apply to another program closer to home. I am losing my confidence in being accepted just because nothing ever seems to go as planned for me. But I will still try my best. My boss has even asked me to wait and apply later because she doesn’t want to lose me this year. There are personal issues that I must handle this year and no matter which way things pan out, I will need that extra time before going off to study full time anywhere. I will either need that time to pick myself up off the ground once I hit rock bottom…again, after losing the most important thing in my life…again, OR I will have to work hard and do whatever it takes to salvage something I have destroyed, if salvageable.
I also made the decision 4 months ago to end a friendship that I never thought I would end. I was weak then and I’d had enough of being pushed around and allowing people to treat me like a doormat and manipulate me into being someone i’m not. I had no intentions of ever trying to rekindle that friendship; however, she called me unexpectedly and apologized for some things and even admitted some of her faults, which she has never done before. I have to admit that even though I wanted nothing to do with her during the past few months, I did miss her from time to time just because we have so many memories together. I have hung out with her twice within the past 2 weeks and I would like to keep our friendship as is. I do not fully trust her and I don’t believe I ever will again, but it is nice to be able to associate with her instead of being complete enemies, especially because we share mutual friends. I will always care about her because we have been friends for so long, but now that I have made certain changes in my life and I am no longer easy to take advantage of, I find it much easier to keep a distance from her. I do not wish to ever have that kind of friendship again.
One thing that has NOT changed is the one goal that has given me the strength to work towards everything else I have done to better myself in the past few months. Matthew. I have no intentions on giving up on him. Whenever I have doubts about my abilities to do things I think of him and I know that I have to keep trying. I know there are still things that I need to work on…sometimes I take 5 steps forward and then 2 steps back, but I keep moving forward because I can’t afford to fail anymore. It is time to grow up.
This is always the hardest time of year for me…I always seem to be more anxious, depressed and constantly exhausted. There’s nothing I can do to change that, but I can try my best not to let things get me down as much. I want to stay positive, which will be hard, but it’s like climbing a mountain….you may get extremely tired, hot and thirsty, you may stumble and fall and scrape up your knees a bit, you may want to quit….but you want so badly to make it to the top to see that beautiful view so you fight the aches and pains and keep going. I know what I want and I will not just give up…EVER.


One Response to “Anxiety”

  1. you are a strong person and I have complete faith in you Lauren I love you and will always continue to pray for you and no matter what directions you choose to take I will always support them and we will always be friends no matter the distance. Keep your head up babe things will work out for the better and don’t be afraid to call me for anything I know I live far away, but that will never stop me from traveling the distance to make sure everything’s OK. your the best-est friend in the whole world and you will always have a special place in my heart ♥

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