I guess I don’t always have the best judgement. I recently attempted to rekindle a friendship that I believed was beyond repair. I honestly had no intentions on trying to patch things up, because everything had been going so great without this person in my life; however, I received a phone call randomly from her asking if we could please be friends again. She then stated that she was sorry for some things and that from now on she will try to be more receptive to my feelings and listen when I express to her how I feel about the things she does that bother me. I decided to give it a try but I should have known it was all lies.
From the time that i began spending time with her again about 3 weeks ago, things have changed dramatically for me. I have had to deal with an enormous amount of so-called DRAMA and it’s as if i’m always catering to her wants and demands. I have done things I wouldn’t be doing without her and I’ve been around people and places I wouldn’t if I weren’t with her. It’s as if I had gone to rehab and worked to get myself to a good point in my life only to relapse and go back to the awful drug I was on again. She is that drug. She is the most vile person I have ever known and I can only hope that one day something happens to make her realize that….the tragic thing is that I don’t think that will ever happen. Nothing with change her. I am a much happier person without her in my life and even though I can’t help but still care for her, I know I am much better off.
I will never understand how easy it is for some people to just FAKE everything. Fake friendships, relationships, fake their entire lives. It makes me sick. I am me. I don’t pretend to be anyone else and I sit here and watch people lie and cheat others with ease as if its a fun game. Every time I have wronged someone I have felt guilty about it and I have tried to find out why i did it so it won’t happen again. How do people just smile and lie to your face and tell you they care and then say and do awful things to you over and over and feel no remorse at all?? I just don’t get it. I hate the person I become around this “friend” I act different. I am rude and cruel and ruthless. I lie and I hide things from people. I am ashamed of how I behave. That is not the person I am and I thought I had the strength to overpower that influence but I have learned once again that I do not. I should not have to try so hard to be friends with someone. It should be easy. I know it isn’t just me because I have other friends who love me for who I am and never try to manipulate me or blame me every time they get upset about something. Maybe I am too nice and too forgiving. I am constantly asked, “Why do you bother with someone who treats you like that?” You can’t help who you care about. I wish I didn’t care at all….it would make letting go so much easier.
No matter what, I refuse to FAKE IT and pretend like everything is okay when it’s not. I don’t have it in me to be a fake friend. This time it’s over for good, even if the ink behind our ears says otherwise. No one is worth all of the things I have to deal with.