In less than 2 weeks I will be standing in a courtroom awaiting what will hopefully be the dismissal of my year long court case. It’s embarassing that even such a case exists, but nontheless the year is almost over now and I must decide what to do next. I will have nothing legally keeping me from contacting Matthew yet I am terrified to even attempt to do so. Should I just call him up and pour my heart out? Should I wait and hope that maybe he will one day contact me? I am afraid that I won’t have enough self control and that my emotions will begin to take over. I don’t want to make the wrong move or ruin my one last possible chance. I have waited over a year for this opportunity and I can’t back down or give up now. Sometimes I think it’s easier not being able to speak to or see him because I know that right now there is nothing I can do about it besides wait. But what about when this is over? I can accept that i’m not ALLOWED to contact him but I couldn’t handle him still wanting nothing to do with me afterwards. I panic every time I think of that possibility. My intense dreams have returned lately as well as my insomnia. I hate going to sleep because I know he will be in my dreams and I will wake up to reality only to see that none of it was real. I knew the last month would be the hardest but I am both eagerly anticipating and dreading April 5th at the same time. I pray that the court doesn’t find out that I sent him packages. I know that he kept the things I bought him which gives me a tiny bit of hope but at the same time he wouldn’t lie if asked about whether I had any contact with him. I’m so nervous but I have been waiting fir what seems like forever and I have done so many things ti better myself over the past 6 months…it can’t all be for nothing. I want him to know that I did it for him and that he is the only person in the world I want to be with. I feel as though I need a miracle. I pray for the strength to get through the following weeks to come and to be able to handle whatever may happen. I refuse to give up EVER…because he is worth it.
Anticipation March 25, 2013