LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

Anticipation March 25, 2013

Filed under: Goals,Relationships — larenar13 @ 5:23 am
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In less than 2 weeks I will be standing in a courtroom awaiting what will hopefully be the dismissal of my year long court case.  It’s embarassing that even such a case exists, but nontheless the year is almost over now and I must decide what to do next.  I will have nothing legally keeping me from contacting Matthew yet I am terrified to even attempt to do so.  Should I just call him up and pour my heart out?  Should I wait and hope that maybe he will one day contact me?  I am afraid that I won’t have enough self control and that my emotions will begin to take over.  I don’t want to make the wrong move or ruin my one last possible chance.  I have waited over a year for this opportunity and I can’t back down or give up now.  Sometimes I think it’s easier not being able to speak to or see him because I know that right now there is nothing I can do about it besides wait. But what about when this is over?  I can accept that i’m not ALLOWED to contact him but I couldn’t handle him still wanting nothing to do with me afterwards.  I panic every time I think of that possibility.  My intense dreams have returned lately as well as my insomnia.  I hate going to sleep because I know he will be in my dreams and I will wake up to reality only to see that none of it was real.  I knew the last month would be the hardest but I am both eagerly anticipating and dreading April 5th at the same time.  I pray that the court doesn’t find out that I sent him packages.  I know that he kept the things I bought him which gives me a tiny bit of hope but at the same time he wouldn’t lie if asked about whether I had any contact with him.  I’m so nervous but I have been waiting fir what seems like forever and I have done so many things ti better myself over the past 6 months…it can’t all be for nothing.  I want him to know that I did it for him and that he is the only person in the world I want to be with.  I feel as though I need a miracle.  I pray for the strength to get through the following weeks to come and to be able to handle whatever may happen.  I refuse to give up EVER…because he is worth it.

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One Response to “Anticipation”

  1. stay strong Lauren everything is gonna be ok I will keep you close to my heart and prayers and no matter what happens I will be here for you anyway I possibly can. I love you to the moon and back ♥


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