I have spent most of today crying. It’s Easter so it should be a happy day spent with loved ones. Unfortunately for me, today has been anything but happy. I try endlessly to think positively and to tell myself that one day everything will be alright, but some days I just break down and wonder when the hell that day will come or if it will come at all.
After over a year apart from him, he still has my heart. He doesn’t know that. He probably assumes that I have carried on not giving a damn about him or his feelings and continuing on down the same path I was on. He probably thinks that I am the exact same person that he told to leave over a year ago. But I am not. I am not and have never been angry at all with him or how he acted towards me. He should’ve been mad, he should’ve told me to get out, he should’ve wanted nothing to do with me. Thinking back, if I were him, i would’ve done the same. He deserved much better. The issue that I face now is trying to find a way for him to see how I am now and how I feel about him. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t believe me. Of course not. How does he know that I am not lying to him still? The only person that knows exactly how true my feelings are is me. In the past i was cruel, selfish, dishonest, impulsive, deceitful, conniving, untrustworthy and most of all weak-willed. Did I honestly know what I really wanted or what I needed? No I didn’t. Do I know now? Yes. Was I completely wrong in the past? Yes. I am not afraid to admit my faults. I know I was wrong, I know I messed up. That is something that I have to deal with everyday. But I do know now exactly what I feel and I know that if given the chance that I would never make those mistakes again. Matt is the only person I want to be with. I have had over a year to change my mind, to explore and be with other people, to get over him and move on…..but I haven’t. I refuse to let go of someone that means the world to me. Yes, I hurt him. I hate what I did and the person i was. I still love him with all of my heart and my love for him has only grown stronger with each day without him. I don’t hide my feelings for him from anyone. Everyone in my life knows how I feel about him. They know that he is the only person I want to ever be with and that I will not give up. If I had any tiny thought that maybe I would one day move on or that I would want to be with someone else in the future, I would not tell absolutely everyone I know and everyone I meet and spend time with about Matt. I know that it may make me look or sound crazy, but I don’t care because it is how I feel and I am going to fight for the person that means the world to me no matter what anyone says. Why would I hide how I feel from anyone? That would be hiding who I am. Matt is a part of me and I think about him all the time so i would be hiding a part of me from everyone if I was not honest about how I feel about him.
Honesty is something that has become extremely important to me. I spent too much time in the past being dishonest with myself and with the people i care about. Life is so much easier when you are just honest. There are some people who I noticed that are incapable of honesty and therefore I have removed them from my life. I have chosen to surround myself with true people who care about me and encourage me to do good things and to be happy. I pray that one day Matthew will be able to see me for who I am NOW and not who I was THEN. He means more to me than he could ever imagine and without ever knowing him, I’m not sure where I would be today, but even though I’m hurting everyday, I know that I am much better off because I met him.
I have changed so much within the past few months but that change is never-ending and neither is my love for him.