LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

So Close Yet So Far Away April 15, 2013

Filed under: Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 6:18 am

Fifteen months.  FIFTEEN!  That is how that I have been without Matt.  It amazes me when I think about just how long that really is.  Most people would have moved on long ago or at least have reached the point where they would like to.  Not I.  It is so difficult trying to explain to people why I feel the way I do, especially ones who don’t know Matt.  It’s always about the same…..”Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else” or “Just have fun. He’s just one guy”  That’s what people always say to those trying to get past a hard break-up.  After 6 months it gets annoying I know.  After a year, they might as well give up convincing me otherwise because it’s not going to work.  I love Matt and regardless of who I meet or who I hang out with, that never changes.  And as weird as it may seem, I don’t want it to.  Yes it hurts like hell but I’d rather feel that pain than have no emotion at all or to never feel love.  

I have seen him almost every night in my dreams so it is hard for me to believe it has been so long since I last saw him.  It doesn’t feel that way.  Just last night I was with him…only it wasn’t real.  Last weekend, however, I did see him….in person and in real life.  I wasn’t dreaming and I wish I had been because in my dreams he is smiling and happy and we are side by side enjoying each other’s company.  That was not the case that night.  It was the album release party for a local band.  One of the band members is a friend of Matt’s and I have been to their shows many times, even since we split up.  This night was going to be different.  I am friends with some of his friends, some of his closest friends.  I know he probably doesn’t like it but they are awesome people and I’m not going to avoid them because of what happened between the two of us.  They told me that he would be there.  I was excited, nervous, anxious, terrified, happy and depressed all at once.  I honestly had no clue how to feel.  This was BIG.  This was going to be the first time I would lay eyes on Matthew Heath for over a year.  I knew that we wouldn’t communicate.  I knew that most likely he would not like that I’m there.  I thought about not going, but I knew that I couldn’t go out anywhere else because I would be thinking about it the whole time and I couldn’t just sit at home because I would miss out on my chance to see him.  I decided to just suck it up, go up there and be prepared for whatever.  It took me hours to find something to wear.  I think I tried on half the things in my closet.  There really was no point in making such a big deal out of it because I didn’t even know if he would even see me.  But I couldn’t wear just any old thing because if he DID notice me there, he would be seeing me for the first time in such a long time.  My room was a disaster by the time I left.  Megan and I showed up and kept our distance of course.  We hung out with her brother for a few minutes.  I knew not to go near him.  It was so hard just standing there and looking at him from 20 feet away and knowing that I couldn’t just walk up to him and hug him.  It hurt just looking in his direction so I tried not to.  When one of his friends informed me that he had left, I immediately knew why and I lost it.  I took a trip to the restroom to collect myself.  I didn’t want everyone to see how upset I was because I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.  It was my own fault.  I felt so guilty.  I thought sure that I had somehow ruined his night by being there and it hurt so bad knowing that he couldn’t even bear to be in the same building as me.  Does he really hate me that much?  Or does that mean that in some way he still cares?  I’m not sure.  

I ended up having a fun time after that because everyone was able to hang out together once he had left.  It’s strange because most of the time I get upset when I am having fun because I think about how much I wish he were there, but this time I felt relieved because he had left.  I had to fight back tears the whole time he was there, because I would peer over in his direction and it was a constant reminder that I belonged there beside him but I ruined that for myself.  Stupid Lauren.  It was so difficult standing there looking at him from afar and not being able to talk to him or touch him.  The person in my life that means the most, my everything was so close yet so far away.  

What now?  I don’t know if I could put myself in that situation again.  I had waited so long just for the change to SEE him and when I got it, it only made me feel miserable.  I felt so nervous that I made Megan nervous as well.  I need to know what to do next.  Do I just wait it out even longer?  Obviously he hasn’t found it in his heart to forgive me yet and I’m not sure if he ever will.  I have tried to keep my focus on other things lately so that I don’t get too upset.  But it is always in the back of my mind.  Until I figure out what to do next there it will stay.  


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