LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

Withrawals May 9, 2013

Filed under: Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 6:13 am

Wow.  I haven’t posted anything in over 2 weeks and I’m starting to get blogging withdrawals.  My emotions have been wild lately.  Kacy and I have moved into our new house and we have been working hard to get all settled in. Emotionally things have been tough because of so much. During the move I kept finding things that reminded me of matt and even things that were his.  I still have frames with photos of us and I refuse to change them.  I already hung pictures of us in my new room.  As hard as it is to look at them I just cannot take them down.  I also had help from a friend of his ,Adam who talked to me about it.  He told me that he could see it in my eyes whenever I spoke about matt and that it is obvious how much I love him still because I talk about him constantly.  Megan has been around matt and danny lately and is going to spend a weekend at the beach with him and his friends. Thats my family. It’s just not fair and it absolutely kills me.  I’m mad and jealous and hurt and powerless.  I just want to be around him all the time.  I want to share every exciting moment I have with him.  Every time I go somewhere interesting or fun I wish he was there beside me experiencing it with me.  I know some people think I should just let go and that all hope is gone but I just can’t do that and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.  I see couples everyday and yes I wish that I had that again but I would rather wait a lifetime for the one I love than try to be with anyone else.  No matter how lonely I get, I can’t replace matt.  Not now.  Not ever.  Im so damn tired of people saying that I will find another great guy.  I’m sure there are many great guys out there but they are NOT matt.  I don’t want someone who sees purple or can read fast.  I dont want someone who doesnt drive a truck or know how to work on an engine.  I dont want someone who hasn’t broken their femur while doing what they love.  I don’t want someone who doesn’t cook shepherds pie or beef and cabbage cassorole.  I dont want someone without a sebaceous cyst on their left shoulder.  I don’t want someone who doesn’t have a 4 year old black lab named Luke.  I not only miss matt but I miss luke as well.  They were, are and always will be my family no matter what.  Even if I cannot see them I love them to the moon and back.  My will power and faith are both strong and I dont care what anyone thinks…it is NOT over.
I had a dream about matt a couple nights ago.  I have them all the time but this one was different.  It was so vivid and seemed so real.  I’m not sure where we were going but he was driving. It was just the two of us.  Our first time being around each other in so long. We were talking and laughing and we were starting over with a brand new beginning.  I didnt want the dream to ever end.  I have been out of work for the past 2 days because of the effects of this dream.  When I woke up I was hit so hard with reality that I wasn’t able to function or be around people especially at work.  I feel like everything else in my life is getting better but this is the one thing that is keeping me from being happy.  As crazy as it sounds I dont want to be happy…not without matt. 

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