LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

Distractions November 4, 2013

Filed under: Goals,Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 2:31 am
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I have been studying for the past couple hours for my anatomy & physiology exam tomorrow.  It has been hard to concentrate though.  First of all I don’t feel so good today.  I also have Kacy out in the living room with a bunch of people over.  I feel bad because I’m being unsociable.  The only way I will actually study is by sitting in my room alone though. Then there’s the main distraction…my mind keeps wandering to Matt as usual.  But it’s different lately.  I can’t seem to stop thinking about him at all.  Sure, I think about him everyday anyways but not to a point where I’m not able to get anything done.  Ever since his birthday when he suprisingly replied to my happy birthday text I have felt anxious.  I’m constantly wondering if he will talk to me again and when.  I play out scenarios in my mind about seeing him and finally being able to say all the things I have wanted to say to him for a year.  Maybe it’s possible.  I have no intentions of giving up on us.  I’m constantly thinking what now?? What is my next move?  I have been extremely careful not to push at all.  I havent seen him, haven’t tried to, haven’t rode by his house or sent him anything.  I’m too afraid it will upset him and ruin my chances.  But I feel like I need to do something subtle that will remind him that I still care.  I wish that I could see him in person….I’ve been waiting almost 2 years for that so I’ve gotten used to waiting and wondering.  I’m just curious as to when the waiting will be over. 
If we were still together I know he would be so proud of me doing so well in school.  I have grown up so much in the past year and I want him to see that so bad. 
I can definitely say with absolute certainty that if I am to see him again or even talk to him again, that will be the best day out of my entire year.  I mean look how happy I was about one little text message.  The birthday text was easy.  But what would I say if I sent him another message?  I have no idea.  I need to talk to Nick about this.  He always knows what to say and he is always around Matt so I know he will give me good advice about what to do. 
I guess I should hit the books some more.  So many exciting things to learn! haha

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