LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

Up Late Yet Again November 6, 2013

Filed under: Goals,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 6:07 am

I can’t sleep.  I was trying to study but my eyes began to feel heavy and I found myself rereading things over and over.  I knew I couldn’t study like that so I decided to go to bed and wake up early so I could study a bit in the morning.  Of course I know that won’t really happen.  I’m definitely NOT a morning person.  That plan definitely won’t work now that I’m unable to fall asleep.  I’ll end up with maybe 5 hours of sleep. 
Things weren’t always like this.  I used to fall asleep much easier back when I didn’t have so much to think about while lying in bed at night….back when I was sleeping next to the very reason why I can’t sleep now…the person that takes up so much space in my mind.  Can anyone guess who??? Ding Ding Ding!  That was a no brainer.  I’d give anything to be cuddled up between Matt and Lukeypoo again.  Those little moments that didn’t seem so significant back then mean the world to me now.  I have had time to realize just how much I have lost and to cherish and appreciate all the little moments we had together…the things I took for granted.  I really never saw just how great I had it until it all fell apart because of me.  I’m left constantly wondering what to do next.  The weird thing is that I want more than anything to see matt and talk to him but at the same time I am terrified of being near him.  Imagine having so many strong feeling but having to hold them back and keep from expressing them for a long period of time.  If I were to be around him again I’m afraid the flood gates would open and those emotions would come rushing out beyond my control.  That is why I am trying hard to be careful.  I want to see him but it needs to be at the right time, right place, with the right people and I need a plan, a strategy so that I’m prepared mentall beforehand.  Wow.  Just thinking about the possibility of having a pleasant conversation with the love of my live makes me feel so great.  How weird does that sound?
I have other paths I could take.  Other options.  I push them away one by one of course.  Some would call it throwing away an opportunity but I don’t agree.  Why take a road I don’t want to travel?  I tried that already and it got me nowhere.  I’m actually quite comfortable alone and I don’t need companionship from anyone.  I’d rather be alone than with someone I cannot love.  What would be the point?  I’m waiting for a chance to be with the love of my life.  My ultimate goal (and the driving force that keeps me motivated in whatever I do to better my life) is to see him again, to apologize to him and to have him see me for the person I am now instead of the person he used to know.  I will not give up until I achieve that goal. 
Well here I go rambling on and on about Matt again.  Anyone who reads my blogs should know by now that I tend to do that A LOT and you should hopefully see the great amount of devotion and love I have for him. 
Ok I think I’m done for tonight.  I shall return tomorrow.  My head is still full of things that I need to get out!  

P.s. I secretly hate my co-worker who just got married a few months ago.  Her new last name is Heath (matt’s last name) and I refuse to change her name in my phone.  I’m jealous.  That should be MY last name!
I don’t really hate her.  She’s a sweet person but I want her last name damnit!
Alright im done.  I needed to get that out.  Hopefully I didnt come off crazy but I don’t need another constant reminder of what I could’ve had.


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