I can’t sleep. I was trying to study but my eyes began to feel heavy and I found myself rereading things over and over. I knew I couldn’t study like that so I decided to go to bed and wake up early so I could study a bit in the morning. Of course I know that won’t really happen. I’m definitely NOT a morning person. That plan definitely won’t work now that I’m unable to fall asleep. I’ll end up with maybe 5 hours of sleep.
Things weren’t always like this. I used to fall asleep much easier back when I didn’t have so much to think about while lying in bed at night….back when I was sleeping next to the very reason why I can’t sleep now…the person that takes up so much space in my mind. Can anyone guess who??? Ding Ding Ding! That was a no brainer. I’d give anything to be cuddled up between Matt and Lukeypoo again. Those little moments that didn’t seem so significant back then mean the world to me now. I have had time to realize just how much I have lost and to cherish and appreciate all the little moments we had together…the things I took for granted. I really never saw just how great I had it until it all fell apart because of me. I’m left constantly wondering what to do next. The weird thing is that I want more than anything to see matt and talk to him but at the same time I am terrified of being near him. Imagine having so many strong feeling but having to hold them back and keep from expressing them for a long period of time. If I were to be around him again I’m afraid the flood gates would open and those emotions would come rushing out beyond my control. That is why I am trying hard to be careful. I want to see him but it needs to be at the right time, right place, with the right people and I need a plan, a strategy so that I’m prepared mentall beforehand. Wow. Just thinking about the possibility of having a pleasant conversation with the love of my live makes me feel so great. How weird does that sound?
I have other paths I could take. Other options. I push them away one by one of course. Some would call it throwing away an opportunity but I don’t agree. Why take a road I don’t want to travel? I tried that already and it got me nowhere. I’m actually quite comfortable alone and I don’t need companionship from anyone. I’d rather be alone than with someone I cannot love. What would be the point? I’m waiting for a chance to be with the love of my life. My ultimate goal (and the driving force that keeps me motivated in whatever I do to better my life) is to see him again, to apologize to him and to have him see me for the person I am now instead of the person he used to know. I will not give up until I achieve that goal.
Well here I go rambling on and on about Matt again. Anyone who reads my blogs should know by now that I tend to do that A LOT and you should hopefully see the great amount of devotion and love I have for him.
Ok I think I’m done for tonight. I shall return tomorrow. My head is still full of things that I need to get out!
P.s. I secretly hate my co-worker who just got married a few months ago. Her new last name is Heath (matt’s last name) and I refuse to change her name in my phone. I’m jealous. That should be MY last name!
I don’t really hate her. She’s a sweet person but I want her last name damnit!
Alright im done. I needed to get that out. Hopefully I didnt come off crazy but I don’t need another constant reminder of what I could’ve had.