LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

Nothing Changes January 22, 2014

Filed under: Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 5:39 am
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With each passing day it gets harder and harder.  Isn’t it supposed to get easier with time?  Of course it is I who makes myself feel this way.  I haven’t completely let myself really try to move on.  Why should I?  Every time I try to even a little I find myself feeling aweful about it because that’s not truly what my heart wants. I end up breaking down and then building myself back up just to crash back down again.  It’s an unending cycle.  But as strange as it seems, i’d rather love him and feel all of this pain than not love at all.  There are moments when I have tears running down my face when it almost feels good…it’s nice to just let it out rather than keep it bottled up inside where no one knows.  Some people do that and try to hide how they feel from themselves, they act reckless and do things to numb the pain and try to forget but deep down it’s still there.  I try to tuck the pain away sometimes when i’m doing certain things so I won’t become too emotional like when i’m at school or working.  There are days when it is a struggle to keep the feelings hidden but I manage to get through it. But any other time I just let it happen.  My friends have all seen me struggle with it.  I sometimes can’t stand to be certain places, around certain people or to talk about certain things because I become emotional.  Not to extremes but enough so that my friends know something is not ok.  I try to hold back as much as possible but when it comes down to it, if I want to cry I’m going to cry.  It’s a daily thing for me so I’m not even embarassed by it anymore. 
My life these days isn’t completely miserable.  I have a job that I love and an amazing boss who cares a lot about me.  I am doing better in school than I ever thought I could and I might actually make it into dental hygiene school.  I take care of myself, I have a house, pay the bills, I work hard and I set goals and make sure to see each one through.  I have removed the toxic people from my life and I no longer allow people to influence who I am or what I feel.  After all I have lost in the past few years, I have managed to deal with everyday stresses without as much difficulty.  My ways of thinking about so many things have changed as well.  I have grown a lot but I have more growing to do still. 
I know that I cannot change the past but I can build a future that is so much better.  I know what I want out of life and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.  In the meantime, no matter how great things can be, the hole in my heart remains.  He is the one piece to my puzzle that I just dont have.  I will wait forever and a day for that missing piece to be replaced and I will do anything to get it back.  While everything else is changing, my heart remains the same.  Empty and hurt. The day that changes will be a day I will never ever forget. Will that day come?  All I can do is pray.  

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