One of the reasons why I haven’t posted much lately is because I have been spending my evenings drafting a letter to Matthew. I started to so many times in the past but just couldn’t find the words to say how I feel. I began jotting down things into my phone here and there so that I didnt just sit down and write everything at once. I do most of my best thinking while driving or when i’m some place where I can’t write anything down. When I finally decided to get the courage to write the whole letter it took me hours. I wrote it over several times before I was satisfied with it. It ended up being 5 pages long. I didn’t want it to be too long because Matt isn’t big on reading anything but there was no way I could say everything I wanted to without making it that long. I haven’t sent it yet. I keep thinking that after I do I will think of something else I should’ve written. I WILL send it this week…..hopefully tomorrow. I just pray he reads it. I keep thinking What if he doesn’t even open it because he will know it’s from me? I thought about printing address labels at work so he won’t be able to tell. I still may do that. Even if nothing changes and he feels no different after reading it, at least he will know how I feel. I have no other way to tell him. I cannot go on without telling him. I love him with all my heart and I hope one day he will believe that.
Letter to Matthew February 17, 2014