LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

My Thoughts March 30, 2014

Filed under: Good to know,Random,Who I am — larenar13 @ 6:26 am

I’m lying in bed just thinking about things….
First of all, I had my interview for the dental hygiene program at TNCC last week.  I didn’t feel confident afterwards.  I was extremely nervous and I was caught off guard because it wasn’t at all what I was prepared for.  I got a letter in the mail yesterday which said that I didn’t make it in.  I’m disappointed and a bit confused.  I have a 4.0 and over 7 years of experience in the field.  How could I not make it in?  I’m guessing that they probably consider current students at that college first and then expand from there so with me taking classes elsewhere and living an hour away, they didn’t take me as seriously.  I wish I would have expressed how important it is to me a little better in the interview.  But it is a learning experience so I will be more prepared next time for sure.  I guess it just wasn’t meant to be right now.  I will keep trying though.
I got to spend some time with my oldest friend tonight.  Heather and I have been friends since middle school.  We have been through a lot together and i’m fortunate to still have her in my life.  So it made me happy to see her.  It has been a couple months since I last got to see her.  I have plans with her next friday for lunch as well so I look forward to that.
I got home tonight and noticed police patrolling my street.  According to Kacy, there were apparently reports of gunshots and the police were called to check it out.  That’s a little scary.  I live in a pretty quiet, safe neighborhood so that’s very surprising to hear.  All seems okay now but I hope we don’t have any more issues in the future. 
I’m also worried about my health.  I’ve been experiencing problems with my stomach for the past several months and it has been getting worse and worse.  I have recently lost my appetite completely and I feel very uncomfortable after each time I eat or drink anything.  My gastroenterologist told me that the next step is to have a colonoscopy.  Great.  I’m not looking forward to that experience but I really want to know what’s wrong with me.  I’m really tired of feeling like this all the time. 
Right now i’m here snuggled up in my bed with Matchew’s hoodie.  It feels great to lay down and relax but i’m also restless.  I can’t ever seem to fall asleep.  I have too much on my mind.  I wish Matt wad here to cuddle with me and help me fall asleep.  I use to sleep so great with him beside me.  I never sleep that good nowadays.  I pray I can have that back someday.  Until then i’ll continue to stare at the darkness and let my mind race around a hundred different ideas instead of sleeping.

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Enough Pain March 24, 2014

Filed under: Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 5:33 am
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I don’t want to end up being a woman who has lived a life she simply settled for; a woman who has an emptiness inside that never goes away.  I don’t want to waste away my life waiting for the impossible to happen, yet I know that sucking it up and forcing myself to move on will only mask the pain….it will still be there hiding under the surface.  I know that it’s not healthy to hold on for so long but letting go is not an option.
I could still end up with a family of my own someday but what good is that if it’s not with the person I truly love more than anything?  Is it fair to try to force myself to live that life with someone else?  I would never be able to give that person my whole heart because it still belongs to Matthew.  It always will.  Deep down I would always wish for something different, someONE different.  So should I be alone forever? 
I know I deserve every bit of pain I have felt over the past couple years….I did it all to myself.  It is my fault I feel this way.  But when does the pain stop?  I know I deserve to hurt but do I really deserve to be miserable forever?    I’m not a bad person.  I have made mistakes and I have learned from them.  I actually really care about what I did and what I have learned.  So do I still not deserve happiness? 
Matt is the one thing in my life that always made perfect sense from the very beginning.  It was impossible not to fall in love with him.  My feelings were so strong they scared me.  I screwed up my chance at the life I have always wanted.  It was right there in front of me and I let it slip away.  I will NEVER forgive myself for that.  I am NOT a bad person.  I know that.  But I made bad choices and I have to live the rest of my life regretting that.  It was impossible not to fall in love with Matt and it’s just as impossible to make that love go away.  I will ALWAYS be in love with him and he will ALWAYS be the one I wish I could spend my life with.  There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do to prove that to him.  I need that chance.  I wish for that chance every single day. 
Words cannot explain how much I hate what I did and how much I wish I could make things better.  I go through the motions every day and function as normal but I carry around my regret and guilt everywhere I go and it eats away at me on the inside.  I just want it to stop.  Haven’t I suffered enough?  Where ‘s the silver lining?  Where’s my chance to make up for the past?  Will things ever make sense again? 

 

Bad Birthday Luck March 18, 2014

Filed under: Random,Who I am — larenar13 @ 5:35 pm

Yesterday was my 26th birthday as well as St. Patrick’s Day.  I guess the luck of the irish was not with me this year.  I spent the first few hours of my birthday in excruciating pain and then another couple hours at the Emergency room.  It was no false alarm.  I had a kidney stone that was obstructing my right kidney.  A few tears, a couple trips to the bathroom to throw up and a lot of meds later, I was finally feeling a bit better.  Thank goodness for my dad.  He picked me up and drove me there in the snow/sleet in the middle of the night.  He is always there for me when I need him no matter what. 
I got home around 4:30 and went to sleep only to wake up 2 hours later, take more pain meds and call everyone who could come work for me.  I heard excuses like “im sick” and “I have to take my car in”  Most of them didn’t even answer the phone or bother to call back.  People just don’t care.  I was willing to find a ride there and still try to work while on strong pain meds and trying to pass a kidney stone.  I was so disappointed that no one was willing to come work.  Dr. G assured me that things would be alright without me and they would make it work.  But I still felt bad.  I guess the weather worked in their favor because a lot of patients cancelled due to the icy roads.
I passed my kidney stone in the afternoon and then I decided to still go to my birthday dinner.  All my family met at this Japanese restaurant.  I wanted to go there because I went last year for my birthday and I got a fried cheesecake which I loved.  This year I did not get that and the service was awful.  My mom complained to the manager and we will not be returning there again.  I guess I should’ve chosen Kanpai instead.  Oh well.
The rest of the evening I spent lying in my bed watching tv alone.  Another year gone and I didn’t even get to fully enjoy my one special day of the entire year.  I’m just glad i’m feeling better now and that I was able to still see my family. 

 

My Kidneys Hate Me March 17, 2014

Filed under: Random,Who I am — larenar13 @ 3:12 am
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It has been over two years since the last time I was hospitalized for a kidney stone.  I guess i’m overdue.  I’ve passed several since then with no problems but that is not always the case. The pain began about an hour ago and is progressively getting worse.  Great.  The timing couldn’t be any worse.  I have no one who can cover for me at work and I have an interview on friday for Dental Hygiene school.  I really hope this is a false alarm. 
The last time I had issues I had Matthew to take care of me.  He was so wonderful and he did everything he could for me.  He was there for me the entire time.  I wish he was here with me to hold me and tell me i’m okay.  Now i’m all alone, my kidney hurts, and tomorrow is my birthday.  Isn’t life just great?

 

No Post March 10, 2014

Filed under: Random,Who I am — larenar13 @ 6:10 am

I just wrote an entire post and then accidentally deleted it somehow….there’s no way I could replicate it now.  Rats!!!

 

On A Road To Nowhere March 7, 2014

Filed under: Goals,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 9:02 pm
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There are so many paths in this world, so many opportunities and experiences we can have.  Some of us get lost trying to find the right path.  I tried to travel down the wrong path and it led me to nothing but regret, guilt and sadness.  I have tested out different paths since then, trying to find the one that will lead me back to where happiness lies.  Most of them were dead ends.  My intentions were right but my directions were wrong.  The road I am traveling on now may or may not be the right one.  There’s no way for me to be sure.  I know what I want and what will make me happy, I just have to be patient and hope that those things are up ahead on this road. 
I can’t help but feel like I am always going to be traveling down a road to nowhere.  I am living in my past and cannot let go of what happened.  My mistakes haunt me and hold me back from moving forward.  I have achieved a lot over the past couple of years.  My success with my education have been amazing and things are great on the work front. I have built better friendships and ended those that weren’t good for me. It’s what goes on in the inside that makes things difficult for me.  No matter how well my life is going in every other aspect, when it comes to my relationship with myself I struggle.  I cannot forgive myself for the past.  I don’t think I will every be able to unless I know that Matthew forgives me.  I don’t care how long it takes or how hard it will be but I will earn his forgiveness some way somehow.  I know I am holding myself back from other opportunities. I know that there are other people out there I could be with but I cannot love them.  Thats not fair to them or me.  I compare everyone to him, down to every detail.  If by chance I were to meet someone that is almost just like him, it still wouldn’t work.  I would be with that person only because they are like matt, not because of who they are.  That is not right.  So here I am traveling down this road which may or may not lead me to happiness.  But I am following my heart and to me that feels right.  I know what I want to be at the other end but is it there?

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Three Years March 6, 2014

Filed under: Good to know,Relationships — larenar13 @ 3:49 am

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Three years ago today I lost my best friend, Sarah Brown.  I often find myself wondering what things would be like if she were still alive.  How different would they be?  What memories would we have made? It’s still so hard to believe she is gone.  I miss her so much and I would give anything for her to be here.  Today is always a difficult one for me but I do know that she is in a much better place and that gives me comfort.  I am truly blessed to have had such a wonderful friend and I will always cherish our many great memories together.  I know i will see her again one day 🙂