LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

On A Road To Nowhere March 7, 2014

Filed under: Goals,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 9:02 pm
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There are so many paths in this world, so many opportunities and experiences we can have.  Some of us get lost trying to find the right path.  I tried to travel down the wrong path and it led me to nothing but regret, guilt and sadness.  I have tested out different paths since then, trying to find the one that will lead me back to where happiness lies.  Most of them were dead ends.  My intentions were right but my directions were wrong.  The road I am traveling on now may or may not be the right one.  There’s no way for me to be sure.  I know what I want and what will make me happy, I just have to be patient and hope that those things are up ahead on this road. 
I can’t help but feel like I am always going to be traveling down a road to nowhere.  I am living in my past and cannot let go of what happened.  My mistakes haunt me and hold me back from moving forward.  I have achieved a lot over the past couple of years.  My success with my education have been amazing and things are great on the work front. I have built better friendships and ended those that weren’t good for me. It’s what goes on in the inside that makes things difficult for me.  No matter how well my life is going in every other aspect, when it comes to my relationship with myself I struggle.  I cannot forgive myself for the past.  I don’t think I will every be able to unless I know that Matthew forgives me.  I don’t care how long it takes or how hard it will be but I will earn his forgiveness some way somehow.  I know I am holding myself back from other opportunities. I know that there are other people out there I could be with but I cannot love them.  Thats not fair to them or me.  I compare everyone to him, down to every detail.  If by chance I were to meet someone that is almost just like him, it still wouldn’t work.  I would be with that person only because they are like matt, not because of who they are.  That is not right.  So here I am traveling down this road which may or may not lead me to happiness.  But I am following my heart and to me that feels right.  I know what I want to be at the other end but is it there?

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