LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

Enough Pain March 24, 2014

Filed under: Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 5:33 am

I don’t want to end up being a woman who has lived a life she simply settled for; a woman who has an emptiness inside that never goes away.  I don’t want to waste away my life waiting for the impossible to happen, yet I know that sucking it up and forcing myself to move on will only mask the pain….it will still be there hiding under the surface.  I know that it’s not healthy to hold on for so long but letting go is not an option.
I could still end up with a family of my own someday but what good is that if it’s not with the person I truly love more than anything?  Is it fair to try to force myself to live that life with someone else?  I would never be able to give that person my whole heart because it still belongs to Matthew.  It always will.  Deep down I would always wish for something different, someONE different.  So should I be alone forever? 
I know I deserve every bit of pain I have felt over the past couple years….I did it all to myself.  It is my fault I feel this way.  But when does the pain stop?  I know I deserve to hurt but do I really deserve to be miserable forever?    I’m not a bad person.  I have made mistakes and I have learned from them.  I actually really care about what I did and what I have learned.  So do I still not deserve happiness? 
Matt is the one thing in my life that always made perfect sense from the very beginning.  It was impossible not to fall in love with him.  My feelings were so strong they scared me.  I screwed up my chance at the life I have always wanted.  It was right there in front of me and I let it slip away.  I will NEVER forgive myself for that.  I am NOT a bad person.  I know that.  But I made bad choices and I have to live the rest of my life regretting that.  It was impossible not to fall in love with Matt and it’s just as impossible to make that love go away.  I will ALWAYS be in love with him and he will ALWAYS be the one I wish I could spend my life with.  There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do to prove that to him.  I need that chance.  I wish for that chance every single day. 
Words cannot explain how much I hate what I did and how much I wish I could make things better.  I go through the motions every day and function as normal but I carry around my regret and guilt everywhere I go and it eats away at me on the inside.  I just want it to stop.  Haven’t I suffered enough?  Where ‘s the silver lining?  Where’s my chance to make up for the past?  Will things ever make sense again? 


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