Quite a week April 5, 2014
Something significant has happened each day this week…
MONDAY: I broke the news to Dr. Gokli that I didn’t get in to dental hygiene school. She was surprised and confused just like me. I held a team meeting to go over everything that was talked about in the head assistant meeting I had last week and to review things that need improvement. I also got a raise that afternoon.
TUESDAY: I drove my mom’s car to work and played an April fool’s joke on Dr. Gokli. We made her think that another assistant and I were not there and my co-worker LaToya was the only one there with our busy schedule. She started to panic when she got there but we were just hiding down the hall. I met my ex boyfriend for lunch which was quite awkward. It’s hard not to still hold a grudge against him for how he treated me. But I know he’s much different now. He has been trying for years to catch up and I have been against it but how can I expect Matt to ever see me again and forgive me if I can’t do the same for someone who wronged me? That evening I had dinner at Shana and Wesley’s house. It was reLly good! I got to spend some time with my beautiful niece 🙂
WEDNESDAY: My great aunt went into open heart surgery but unfortunately did not make it out. She is now an angel flying high above us all. She will be greatly missed.
THURSDAY: I worked half a day. Dr. Gokli had taken the afternoon off. I went by my parents to see my mom who is having a hard time with the loss of her aunt. I spent some time with her and baby Madison. When I got home I was in full-on cleaning mode. I did laundry and cleaning the whole house. Then I somehow allowed Lauren…yess THE Lauren, to convince me to hang out with her. I hadn’t seen her in over a year and i ended up having one of the worst nights ever. Richmond is not for me anymore and I don’t lije anything about those places or the kind of people who go there. I guess after such a long time I had forgotten all the reasons why I had avoided her and those things but it didn’t take me long to realize again. I have grown up and changed so much and I don’t belong around that stuff anymore.
TODAY: I have been in bed all day. Im mad at myself for going to Richmond last night. I knew better than to be around Lauren and all those people. They have no respect for themselves or others. It was just another reminder of how I used to be and I wish I could’ve realized all the things i know now back when it wasn’t too late. I love Matt more than anything and I’m so ashamed of how I was before. I was supposed to go to my great aunt’s visitation this evening but I can’t handle being around all those people two days in a row. I don’t handle being in funeral homes well, no matter who it is that has passed away. I will attend the funeral tomorrow. I’m so lonely right now. My friend Landon won’t answer my calls. I really need someone to talk to. He has become the person I feel like I can trust more than anyone. I haven’t had someone in my life like that since Brandon. I know he wouldn’t ignore me so maybe he’s asleep. I really need to get up and eat something. It has been about 30 hours since I last ate. Hopefully my day will get better.
Sleeeepy April 2, 2014
I feel kind of like a zombie today. I’m extremely tired. On the way to work this morning I was struggling to stay awake and I still feel as though I could fall asleep just standing up if I close my eyes. I need sleep. I have had a shortage of that this week.
It’s my lunch break right now so i’m sitting in my car, debating on whether or not to take a nap before returning to work. I need a second wind. Once the patients arrive and we get busy I will be fine but I cannot stay awake with nothing to do.
I’m also worried about my great aunt. She has been in the hospital for a few days. She had a heart attack yesterday and is currently in open heart surgery. I pray that she will make it through. She’s such a sweet, caring woman and I really hope I get to see her again. My mom is at the hospital now waiting for her to get out of surgery.
Of course it doesn’t make my day any better to hear “crazy girl” play on the radio while i’m sitting here in my car. I havent heard that play on the radio for quite some time. It just had to come on didn’t it? That was me and Matthew’s song. It’s just another reminder of all that I have lost and all I COULD’VE had. I WILL earn his forgiveness one day somehow, even if it takes me a lifetime to do it.
Despite all the reasons I have to be down today, I am not in a bad mood at all. I think it’s the sunshine. It is so beautiful outside today. I could be napping right now but i’d rather sit out here and enjoy this.
My Thoughts March 30, 2014
I’m lying in bed just thinking about things….
First of all, I had my interview for the dental hygiene program at TNCC last week. I didn’t feel confident afterwards. I was extremely nervous and I was caught off guard because it wasn’t at all what I was prepared for. I got a letter in the mail yesterday which said that I didn’t make it in. I’m disappointed and a bit confused. I have a 4.0 and over 7 years of experience in the field. How could I not make it in? I’m guessing that they probably consider current students at that college first and then expand from there so with me taking classes elsewhere and living an hour away, they didn’t take me as seriously. I wish I would have expressed how important it is to me a little better in the interview. But it is a learning experience so I will be more prepared next time for sure. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be right now. I will keep trying though.
I got to spend some time with my oldest friend tonight. Heather and I have been friends since middle school. We have been through a lot together and i’m fortunate to still have her in my life. So it made me happy to see her. It has been a couple months since I last got to see her. I have plans with her next friday for lunch as well so I look forward to that.
I got home tonight and noticed police patrolling my street. According to Kacy, there were apparently reports of gunshots and the police were called to check it out. That’s a little scary. I live in a pretty quiet, safe neighborhood so that’s very surprising to hear. All seems okay now but I hope we don’t have any more issues in the future.
I’m also worried about my health. I’ve been experiencing problems with my stomach for the past several months and it has been getting worse and worse. I have recently lost my appetite completely and I feel very uncomfortable after each time I eat or drink anything. My gastroenterologist told me that the next step is to have a colonoscopy. Great. I’m not looking forward to that experience but I really want to know what’s wrong with me. I’m really tired of feeling like this all the time.
Right now i’m here snuggled up in my bed with Matchew’s hoodie. It feels great to lay down and relax but i’m also restless. I can’t ever seem to fall asleep. I have too much on my mind. I wish Matt wad here to cuddle with me and help me fall asleep. I use to sleep so great with him beside me. I never sleep that good nowadays. I pray I can have that back someday. Until then i’ll continue to stare at the darkness and let my mind race around a hundred different ideas instead of sleeping.
Enough Pain March 24, 2014
I don’t want to end up being a woman who has lived a life she simply settled for; a woman who has an emptiness inside that never goes away. I don’t want to waste away my life waiting for the impossible to happen, yet I know that sucking it up and forcing myself to move on will only mask the pain….it will still be there hiding under the surface. I know that it’s not healthy to hold on for so long but letting go is not an option.
I could still end up with a family of my own someday but what good is that if it’s not with the person I truly love more than anything? Is it fair to try to force myself to live that life with someone else? I would never be able to give that person my whole heart because it still belongs to Matthew. It always will. Deep down I would always wish for something different, someONE different. So should I be alone forever?
I know I deserve every bit of pain I have felt over the past couple years….I did it all to myself. It is my fault I feel this way. But when does the pain stop? I know I deserve to hurt but do I really deserve to be miserable forever? I’m not a bad person. I have made mistakes and I have learned from them. I actually really care about what I did and what I have learned. So do I still not deserve happiness?
Matt is the one thing in my life that always made perfect sense from the very beginning. It was impossible not to fall in love with him. My feelings were so strong they scared me. I screwed up my chance at the life I have always wanted. It was right there in front of me and I let it slip away. I will NEVER forgive myself for that. I am NOT a bad person. I know that. But I made bad choices and I have to live the rest of my life regretting that. It was impossible not to fall in love with Matt and it’s just as impossible to make that love go away. I will ALWAYS be in love with him and he will ALWAYS be the one I wish I could spend my life with. There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do to prove that to him. I need that chance. I wish for that chance every single day.
Words cannot explain how much I hate what I did and how much I wish I could make things better. I go through the motions every day and function as normal but I carry around my regret and guilt everywhere I go and it eats away at me on the inside. I just want it to stop. Haven’t I suffered enough? Where ‘s the silver lining? Where’s my chance to make up for the past? Will things ever make sense again?
Bad Birthday Luck March 18, 2014
Yesterday was my 26th birthday as well as St. Patrick’s Day. I guess the luck of the irish was not with me this year. I spent the first few hours of my birthday in excruciating pain and then another couple hours at the Emergency room. It was no false alarm. I had a kidney stone that was obstructing my right kidney. A few tears, a couple trips to the bathroom to throw up and a lot of meds later, I was finally feeling a bit better. Thank goodness for my dad. He picked me up and drove me there in the snow/sleet in the middle of the night. He is always there for me when I need him no matter what.
I got home around 4:30 and went to sleep only to wake up 2 hours later, take more pain meds and call everyone who could come work for me. I heard excuses like “im sick” and “I have to take my car in” Most of them didn’t even answer the phone or bother to call back. People just don’t care. I was willing to find a ride there and still try to work while on strong pain meds and trying to pass a kidney stone. I was so disappointed that no one was willing to come work. Dr. G assured me that things would be alright without me and they would make it work. But I still felt bad. I guess the weather worked in their favor because a lot of patients cancelled due to the icy roads.
I passed my kidney stone in the afternoon and then I decided to still go to my birthday dinner. All my family met at this Japanese restaurant. I wanted to go there because I went last year for my birthday and I got a fried cheesecake which I loved. This year I did not get that and the service was awful. My mom complained to the manager and we will not be returning there again. I guess I should’ve chosen Kanpai instead. Oh well.
The rest of the evening I spent lying in my bed watching tv alone. Another year gone and I didn’t even get to fully enjoy my one special day of the entire year. I’m just glad i’m feeling better now and that I was able to still see my family.