LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

My Kidneys Hate Me March 17, 2014

Filed under: Random,Who I am — larenar13 @ 3:12 am
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It has been over two years since the last time I was hospitalized for a kidney stone.  I guess i’m overdue.  I’ve passed several since then with no problems but that is not always the case. The pain began about an hour ago and is progressively getting worse.  Great.  The timing couldn’t be any worse.  I have no one who can cover for me at work and I have an interview on friday for Dental Hygiene school.  I really hope this is a false alarm. 
The last time I had issues I had Matthew to take care of me.  He was so wonderful and he did everything he could for me.  He was there for me the entire time.  I wish he was here with me to hold me and tell me i’m okay.  Now i’m all alone, my kidney hurts, and tomorrow is my birthday.  Isn’t life just great?

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No Post March 10, 2014

Filed under: Random,Who I am — larenar13 @ 6:10 am

I just wrote an entire post and then accidentally deleted it somehow….there’s no way I could replicate it now.  Rats!!!

 

Today March 4, 2014

Filed under: Random,Who I am — larenar13 @ 5:59 am
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Today was rough.  I didn’t have to work so I was at home in bed all day….alone….with my thoughts.  The day got better when my cousin Sean picked me up and we went to dinner.  I needed to get out of the house and it’s always nice spending time with him.  He always makes me laugh.  I got to watch a couple of my favorite shows this evening so I guess it wasn’t such a bad day overall.  I just hate being trapped in the house alone and not being able to go anywhere.  I’m so tired of the snow.  I’m ready for spring.  Then I can sit outside and enjoy the outdoors instead of being stuck in the house. 
This week is going to be difficult.  My mother and I both lost our best friends during this week….Sarah 3 years ago and Sheila last year.  I need to make sure to spend a lot of time with my mom this week to help her through it. 
And as usual I must bring up Matthew.  I still don’t know what to do now that he has read my letter.  I guess the only thing I can do is wait.  I’m just scared that if I wait too long without doing anything that there will be no hope left.  And then i’ll beat myself up for not doing anything when I had the chance.  What if I never see or talk to him again?  I won’t be okay with that.  The pain of being without him is already so intense.  What if I have to feel this for the rest of my life?  I just want to be in his life in some way.  He’s a part of me and I can’t go on forever without that part.  I need it. I need him. 

 

Back to Normal February 17, 2014

Filed under: Random — larenar13 @ 5:34 am

I have not posted anything in about three weeks now.  That seems like such a long time.  I have been quite busy to say the least.  My boss has been in Thailand for the past three weeks and my work schedule has been so crazy.  February is dental health month so I have been working on projects and visiting preschools for presentations along with helping the other doctors.  I feel like I have been pulled in so many directions at once lately, constantly making sure I get everything done.  I’ve also hired someone new which my boss will meet tomorrow when she returns to work.  I really hope she likes her because I am tired of going through assistants every couple months.  I have had little time to train her with everything else i’ve had going on at work so I hope she isn’t too overwhelmed tomorrow.  Our schedule is completely full and it’s going to be a crazy day.  I’m so relieved that Dr. G is back.  Things will be much easier now that I have my normal schedule again. 
My laptop crashed and therefore I had to withdrawal from my Psychology class.  The library doesn’t stay open late enough for me to do all my work there and I cannot risk losing my 4.0 GPA because of a class I’m not required to take right now.  This of course has made me feel really bad.  I have never completed a course during the spring semester.  Everything negative in my life always occurs during the months of february through april.  I have no idea why and it is usually an extremely sad time for me every year.  I have a feeling that I probably wouldn’t have made it through the semester anyways.  I just can’t handle the added stress right now.  As far as I have come in the past couple years with handling my emotions and dealing with stress, I am no match for this time of year.  There is just something about it.  It’s like a bad storm that I have to let pass. 
Valentine’s Day was extremely difficult.  Brandon would’ve been 26 that day.  I miss him so much and I wish I could’ve celebrated with him.  To make things worse, his birthday is on the one holiday that makes me the most depressed.  It’s just a day to remind myself that I am ALONE and I cannot be with the person I love.  I watch all the happy couples and wish I could feel that way again.  My sister and wesley invited me over for dinner because they knew it was a tough day for me. They gave me a card, some candy and flowers which was very sweet.  It made me smile but deep down I know it was because they felt bad for me.  But I did get to spend some time with my niece.  I even baked and decorated a birthday cake for Brandon.  After that I met up with Ashley for a couple drinks.  It made me feel better to hang out with someone else who was alone on valentine’s day because she understood how I felt. 
So tomorrow I go back to my usual schedule at work which is a relief but I know the next few days are going to be absolutely chaotic since we are making up for the past three weeks.  I will be very happy to see Dr. G in the morning.

 

My Beautiful Niece January 23, 2014

Filed under: Fun Stuff,Good to know,Random — larenar13 @ 7:22 am
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Madison Nicole.  I love her so much already and I look forward to all of the wonderful years ahead.  I may never have a child of my own but I will be the best aunt I can be to Madi. She is only two months old yet she has grown so much and changed and learned.  It is amazing just sitting with her and watching her take in everything around her.  She is fascinated by everything.  Then there are those random long moments where she seems to stare at nothing.  My sister says it’s because she sees angels and I believe that.  I believe that she can see Sarah and Brandon and that they talk to her.  Especially Sarah.  She was so good with children and she would’ve made a great mother.
When I hold Madi it is so hard to let go.  She is a special gift sent from God for us to love and I cherish every single moment with her.  I envy my sister for the life she has…a family.  I hope that I can experience the same things one day.  I can’t help but smile every time I see my niece.  No matter how bad my day is going or how upset or tired I am….her adorable smile brightens my day.  I am so glad to have her in my life and I am really happy for my sister.  Madi is amazing and her Aunt Nikki loves her!!

 

Nothing Changes January 22, 2014

Filed under: Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 5:39 am
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With each passing day it gets harder and harder.  Isn’t it supposed to get easier with time?  Of course it is I who makes myself feel this way.  I haven’t completely let myself really try to move on.  Why should I?  Every time I try to even a little I find myself feeling aweful about it because that’s not truly what my heart wants. I end up breaking down and then building myself back up just to crash back down again.  It’s an unending cycle.  But as strange as it seems, i’d rather love him and feel all of this pain than not love at all.  There are moments when I have tears running down my face when it almost feels good…it’s nice to just let it out rather than keep it bottled up inside where no one knows.  Some people do that and try to hide how they feel from themselves, they act reckless and do things to numb the pain and try to forget but deep down it’s still there.  I try to tuck the pain away sometimes when i’m doing certain things so I won’t become too emotional like when i’m at school or working.  There are days when it is a struggle to keep the feelings hidden but I manage to get through it. But any other time I just let it happen.  My friends have all seen me struggle with it.  I sometimes can’t stand to be certain places, around certain people or to talk about certain things because I become emotional.  Not to extremes but enough so that my friends know something is not ok.  I try to hold back as much as possible but when it comes down to it, if I want to cry I’m going to cry.  It’s a daily thing for me so I’m not even embarassed by it anymore. 
My life these days isn’t completely miserable.  I have a job that I love and an amazing boss who cares a lot about me.  I am doing better in school than I ever thought I could and I might actually make it into dental hygiene school.  I take care of myself, I have a house, pay the bills, I work hard and I set goals and make sure to see each one through.  I have removed the toxic people from my life and I no longer allow people to influence who I am or what I feel.  After all I have lost in the past few years, I have managed to deal with everyday stresses without as much difficulty.  My ways of thinking about so many things have changed as well.  I have grown a lot but I have more growing to do still. 
I know that I cannot change the past but I can build a future that is so much better.  I know what I want out of life and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.  In the meantime, no matter how great things can be, the hole in my heart remains.  He is the one piece to my puzzle that I just dont have.  I will wait forever and a day for that missing piece to be replaced and I will do anything to get it back.  While everything else is changing, my heart remains the same.  Empty and hurt. The day that changes will be a day I will never ever forget. Will that day come?  All I can do is pray.  

 

Stress January 18, 2014

Filed under: Random,Who I am — larenar13 @ 8:29 am

I feel as though most of my best posts are written late at night, this one being no different.  It’s 2:30am.  Tomorrow (today) is saturday.  I have homework to do as well as house cleaning.  I am in no rush to go to sleep because I slept most of today away trying to make up for my lack of sleep during the past 2 stressful weeks. 
It is only the beginning for me when it comes to stress at work.  I honestly don’t feel like I get paid enough for all that I do.  Not only am I the head assistant for my team but I have been there the longest so my boss trusts me the most.  This is a good thing in most cases but after her recent shoulder surgery I have become her personal chauffeur.  I pick her up and take her home, take her to appts, to the grocery store, and to pretty much everywhere she wants to go which happens to be no where near where we work.  I even had to pick her mother up and take her somewhere the other day while she was in an appt.  Awkward.  I havent had a real lunch break in 2 weeks.  Meanwhile I am getting everything together to prepare for dental health month which is stressful by itself.  But worst of all I can’t seem to find anyone worth a crap to work for me.  Everyone I have hired within the past few months has turned out to be either lazy, disrespectful or just really bad at what they do.  I can’t seem to catch a break.  Im constantly going through interviews and training and interviews and training….it’s never-ending.  We are short staffed and I have to pick up the slack.  When my boss is all healed up and working a full schedule again come march i’m going to be completely screwed if I don’t find someone great ASAP.  There is absolutely no way two of us can handle our schedule alone.  Are there really no decent dental assistants out there?  Ugghh!
On top of all that at work I have started a new semester at school.  I have class three nights a week.  Since I have been getting off work really late I have been rushing to make it to class and I get home after 9:30 so that leaves little time to rest at home before my roommate gets off work and the house is loud again. 
I wish I could just take a break from everything for a few days.  Unfortunately I can’t take a vacation anytime soon.
I don’t even do anything on the weekends much these days.  I have plans to go do something tomorrow night which is surprising.  I hope if i drink I don’t get like I did last saturday.  I spent most of that night babysitting my beautiful niece but afterwards I met my friend wes and his brother at Southbeach for a few.  Of course I didnt have anything better to do because I dont have many friends these days but it was nice and low key.  There weren’t many people there.  But I dont have the tolerance for alcohol that I used to so I got pretty tipsy and ended up turning into that drunk crying girl. Wes had to listen to me cry over matt for like half an hour.  Nothing new.  I probably shouldn’t drink at all.  I get upset easily when i’m sober but after a few drinks all it takes is one song on the radio or a conversation topic or a tv show or a place or person or just about anything to send me into full on cry sesh.  Quite pathetic I know but its difficult to hold back the tears all day everyday.  Sometimes I just can’t help it. My friends have gotten pretty used to it.  They try to comfort me as much as they can but they know that nothing really helps.  Its funny how my girl friends all try to convince me to get over it and move on, I guess so i’ll go out in search of guys with them, but my guy friends are the ones who support me and tell me not to give up.  Thanks so much to friedhaber, Adam, Nick, Austin, Wes, and Chris.
I really hope that things get better at work and I can focus on my classes this semester.  I hope I can get through these next few months.  I lost Sarah on 3/5/11 and matt and I split up in january 2012.  Valentine’s day is not only a really lonely day but it was also Brandon’s birthday.  There are a lot of reasons for me to be sad but maybe all the stress at work is there to distract me and keep me busy so I dont get too down.  I sure hope things can improve for me in the upcoming months.  I really need something to go right for me.