LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

Annd It’s Back August 8, 2014

Filed under: Relationships — larenar13 @ 1:53 pm
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What do I always say?  No matter what I do to distract myself my feelings for Matt are still there.  I can force myself to not think about it for a short time but that is only a temporary fix.  The past couple of months I have stayed very busy so I don’t think about it.  Every time I am alone it still bothers me.  I avoid being alone at home.  I try to stay away as much as possible.  But I can’t do that forever. 
God handed me my dream life on a silver platter and I threw it away because I wasn’t ready.  I have been digging through the trash for over 2 years trying to find all the broken pieces of that dish so I can put it back together.  I know deep down I can’t do that but I can’t give up.  Miracles happen every day.  

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Quite a week April 5, 2014

Filed under: Good to know,Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 12:04 am

Something significant has happened each day this week…
MONDAY: I broke the news to Dr. Gokli that I didn’t get in to dental hygiene school.  She was surprised and confused just like me.  I held a team meeting to go over everything that was talked about in the head assistant meeting I had last week and to review things that need improvement.  I also got a raise that afternoon.
TUESDAY: I drove my mom’s car to work and played an April fool’s joke on Dr. Gokli.  We made her think that another assistant and I were not there and my co-worker LaToya was the only one there with our busy schedule.  She started to panic when she got there but we were just hiding down the hall.  I met my ex boyfriend for lunch which was quite awkward.  It’s hard not to still hold a grudge against him for how he treated me.  But I know he’s much different now.  He has been trying for years to catch up and I have been against it but how can I expect Matt to ever see me again and forgive me if I can’t do the same for someone who wronged me?  That evening I had dinner at Shana and Wesley’s house.  It was reLly good!  I got to spend some time with my beautiful niece 🙂
WEDNESDAY: My great aunt went into open heart surgery but unfortunately did not make it out.  She is now an angel flying high above us all.  She will be greatly missed. 
THURSDAY: I worked half a day.  Dr. Gokli had taken the afternoon off.  I went by my parents to see my mom who is having a hard time with the loss of her aunt.  I spent some time with her and baby Madison.  When I got home I was in full-on cleaning mode.  I did laundry and cleaning the whole house.  Then I somehow allowed Lauren…yess THE Lauren, to convince me to hang out with her.  I hadn’t seen her in over a year and i ended up having one of the worst nights ever.  Richmond is not for me anymore and I don’t lije anything about those places or the kind of people who go there.  I guess after such a long time I had forgotten all the reasons why I had avoided her and those things but it didn’t take me long to realize again.  I have grown up and changed so much and I don’t belong around that stuff anymore.
TODAY: I have been in bed all day.  Im mad at myself for going to Richmond last night.  I knew better than to be around Lauren and all those people.  They have no respect for themselves or others.  It was just another reminder of how I used to be and I wish I could’ve realized all the things i know now back when it wasn’t too late.  I love Matt more than anything and I’m so ashamed of how I was before.  I was supposed to go to my great aunt’s visitation this evening but I can’t handle being around all those people two days in a row.  I don’t handle being in funeral homes well, no matter who it is that has passed away.  I will attend the funeral tomorrow.  I’m so lonely right now.  My friend Landon won’t answer my calls.  I really need someone to talk to.  He has become the person I feel like I can trust more than anyone.  I haven’t had someone in my life like that since Brandon.  I know he wouldn’t ignore me so maybe he’s asleep.  I really need to get up and eat something.  It has been about 30 hours since I last ate.  Hopefully my day will get better.

 

Sleeeepy April 2, 2014

Filed under: Goals,Good to know,Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 4:30 pm

I feel kind of like a zombie today.  I’m extremely tired.  On the way to work this morning I was struggling to stay awake and I still feel as though I could fall asleep just standing up if I close my eyes.  I need sleep.  I have had a shortage of that this week. 
It’s my lunch break right now so i’m sitting in my car, debating on whether or not to take a nap before returning to work.  I need a second wind.  Once the patients arrive and we get busy I will be fine but I cannot stay awake with nothing to do. 
I’m also worried about my great aunt.  She has been in the hospital for a few days.  She had a heart attack yesterday and is currently in open heart surgery.  I pray that she will make it through.  She’s such a sweet, caring woman and I really hope I get to see her again.  My mom is at the hospital now waiting for her to get out of surgery. 
Of course it doesn’t make my day any better to hear “crazy girl” play on the radio while i’m sitting here in my car.  I havent heard that play on the radio for quite some time.  It just had to come on didn’t it?  That was me and Matthew’s song.  It’s just another reminder of all that I have lost and all I COULD’VE had.  I WILL earn his forgiveness one day somehow, even if it takes me a lifetime to do it. 
Despite all the reasons I have to be down today, I am not in a bad mood at all.  I think it’s the sunshine.  It is so beautiful outside today.  I could be napping right now but i’d rather sit out here and enjoy this. 

 

Enough Pain March 24, 2014

Filed under: Random,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 5:33 am
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I don’t want to end up being a woman who has lived a life she simply settled for; a woman who has an emptiness inside that never goes away.  I don’t want to waste away my life waiting for the impossible to happen, yet I know that sucking it up and forcing myself to move on will only mask the pain….it will still be there hiding under the surface.  I know that it’s not healthy to hold on for so long but letting go is not an option.
I could still end up with a family of my own someday but what good is that if it’s not with the person I truly love more than anything?  Is it fair to try to force myself to live that life with someone else?  I would never be able to give that person my whole heart because it still belongs to Matthew.  It always will.  Deep down I would always wish for something different, someONE different.  So should I be alone forever? 
I know I deserve every bit of pain I have felt over the past couple years….I did it all to myself.  It is my fault I feel this way.  But when does the pain stop?  I know I deserve to hurt but do I really deserve to be miserable forever?    I’m not a bad person.  I have made mistakes and I have learned from them.  I actually really care about what I did and what I have learned.  So do I still not deserve happiness? 
Matt is the one thing in my life that always made perfect sense from the very beginning.  It was impossible not to fall in love with him.  My feelings were so strong they scared me.  I screwed up my chance at the life I have always wanted.  It was right there in front of me and I let it slip away.  I will NEVER forgive myself for that.  I am NOT a bad person.  I know that.  But I made bad choices and I have to live the rest of my life regretting that.  It was impossible not to fall in love with Matt and it’s just as impossible to make that love go away.  I will ALWAYS be in love with him and he will ALWAYS be the one I wish I could spend my life with.  There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do to prove that to him.  I need that chance.  I wish for that chance every single day. 
Words cannot explain how much I hate what I did and how much I wish I could make things better.  I go through the motions every day and function as normal but I carry around my regret and guilt everywhere I go and it eats away at me on the inside.  I just want it to stop.  Haven’t I suffered enough?  Where ‘s the silver lining?  Where’s my chance to make up for the past?  Will things ever make sense again? 

 

On A Road To Nowhere March 7, 2014

Filed under: Goals,Relationships,Who I am — larenar13 @ 9:02 pm
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There are so many paths in this world, so many opportunities and experiences we can have.  Some of us get lost trying to find the right path.  I tried to travel down the wrong path and it led me to nothing but regret, guilt and sadness.  I have tested out different paths since then, trying to find the one that will lead me back to where happiness lies.  Most of them were dead ends.  My intentions were right but my directions were wrong.  The road I am traveling on now may or may not be the right one.  There’s no way for me to be sure.  I know what I want and what will make me happy, I just have to be patient and hope that those things are up ahead on this road. 
I can’t help but feel like I am always going to be traveling down a road to nowhere.  I am living in my past and cannot let go of what happened.  My mistakes haunt me and hold me back from moving forward.  I have achieved a lot over the past couple of years.  My success with my education have been amazing and things are great on the work front. I have built better friendships and ended those that weren’t good for me. It’s what goes on in the inside that makes things difficult for me.  No matter how well my life is going in every other aspect, when it comes to my relationship with myself I struggle.  I cannot forgive myself for the past.  I don’t think I will every be able to unless I know that Matthew forgives me.  I don’t care how long it takes or how hard it will be but I will earn his forgiveness some way somehow.  I know I am holding myself back from other opportunities. I know that there are other people out there I could be with but I cannot love them.  Thats not fair to them or me.  I compare everyone to him, down to every detail.  If by chance I were to meet someone that is almost just like him, it still wouldn’t work.  I would be with that person only because they are like matt, not because of who they are.  That is not right.  So here I am traveling down this road which may or may not lead me to happiness.  But I am following my heart and to me that feels right.  I know what I want to be at the other end but is it there?

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Three Years March 6, 2014

Filed under: Good to know,Relationships — larenar13 @ 3:49 am

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Three years ago today I lost my best friend, Sarah Brown.  I often find myself wondering what things would be like if she were still alive.  How different would they be?  What memories would we have made? It’s still so hard to believe she is gone.  I miss her so much and I would give anything for her to be here.  Today is always a difficult one for me but I do know that she is in a much better place and that gives me comfort.  I am truly blessed to have had such a wonderful friend and I will always cherish our many great memories together.  I know i will see her again one day 🙂 

 

Mission Accomplished March 1, 2014

Filed under: Goals,Relationships — larenar13 @ 4:06 am
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All I could think about over the past week is whether or not Matt had received my letter and if he read it.  I needed to know.  I finally asked Adam to see if he could find out for me.  To my surprise he had already asked him.  He did read it along with this blog.  I was not expecting to hear that.  I was hoping he would take the time to read the letter but I never thought he would read my posts too.  I don’t know how many of them he read or if it affected him in any way.  It could’ve just been nothing more than curiousity, but i’m hoping not.   My mood instantly changed after finding that out.  Nothing could’ve ruined my day after that.  The thing that got to me the most over the past year is that he didn’t know how I feel or where I stand.  Now he does.  The letter may change nothing for us but at least he now knows how much I still care for him.  That’s all I wanted.  I’m not expecting anything more right now.  But I am still holding onto the hope that we will be together again in the future no matter how far away that may be. 
The feelings I get when I think of him are so overwhelming. These feelings are always accompanied with sadness and tears but now I can smile through the tears knowing that he read what I wrote to him. At least now I have been able to express my feelings.  All I can do now is wait and pray.  I cannot and will not give up.