Annd It’s Back August 8, 2014

What do I always say?  No matter what I do to distract myself my feelings for Matt are still there.  I can force myself to not think about it for a short time but that is only a temporary fix.  The past couple of months I have stayed very busy so I don’t think about it.  Every time I am alone it still bothers me.  I avoid being alone at home.  I try to stay away as much as possible.  But I can’t do that forever. 
God handed me my dream life on a silver platter and I threw it away because I wasn’t ready.  I have been digging through the trash for over 2 years trying to find all the broken pieces of that dish so I can put it back together.  I know deep down I can’t do that but I can’t give up.  Miracles happen every day.  

Enough Pain March 24, 2014

I don’t want to end up being a woman who has lived a life she simply settled for; a woman who has an emptiness inside that never goes away.  I don’t want to waste away my life waiting for the impossible to happen, yet I know that sucking it up and forcing myself to move on will only mask the pain….it will still be there hiding under the surface.  I know that it’s not healthy to hold on for so long but letting go is not an option.
I could still end up with a family of my own someday but what good is that if it’s not with the person I truly love more than anything?  Is it fair to try to force myself to live that life with someone else?  I would never be able to give that person my whole heart because it still belongs to Matthew.  It always will.  Deep down I would always wish for something different, someONE different.  So should I be alone forever? 
I know I deserve every bit of pain I have felt over the past couple years….I did it all to myself.  It is my fault I feel this way.  But when does the pain stop?  I know I deserve to hurt but do I really deserve to be miserable forever?    I’m not a bad person.  I have made mistakes and I have learned from them.  I actually really care about what I did and what I have learned.  So do I still not deserve happiness? 
Matt is the one thing in my life that always made perfect sense from the very beginning.  It was impossible not to fall in love with him.  My feelings were so strong they scared me.  I screwed up my chance at the life I have always wanted.  It was right there in front of me and I let it slip away.  I will NEVER forgive myself for that.  I am NOT a bad person.  I know that.  But I made bad choices and I have to live the rest of my life regretting that.  It was impossible not to fall in love with Matt and it’s just as impossible to make that love go away.  I will ALWAYS be in love with him and he will ALWAYS be the one I wish I could spend my life with.  There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do to prove that to him.  I need that chance.  I wish for that chance every single day. 
Words cannot explain how much I hate what I did and how much I wish I could make things better.  I go through the motions every day and function as normal but I carry around my regret and guilt everywhere I go and it eats away at me on the inside.  I just want it to stop.  Haven’t I suffered enough?  Where ‘s the silver lining?  Where’s my chance to make up for the past?  Will things ever make sense again? 

My Kidneys Hate Me March 17, 2014

It has been over two years since the last time I was hospitalized for a kidney stone.  I guess i’m overdue.  I’ve passed several since then with no problems but that is not always the case. The pain began about an hour ago and is progressively getting worse.  Great.  The timing couldn’t be any worse.  I have no one who can cover for me at work and I have an interview on friday for Dental Hygiene school.  I really hope this is a false alarm. 
The last time I had issues I had Matthew to take care of me.  He was so wonderful and he did everything he could for me.  He was there for me the entire time.  I wish he was here with me to hold me and tell me i’m okay.  Now i’m all alone, my kidney hurts, and tomorrow is my birthday.  Isn’t life just great?

On A Road To Nowhere March 7, 2014

There are so many paths in this world, so many opportunities and experiences we can have.  Some of us get lost trying to find the right path.  I tried to travel down the wrong path and it led me to nothing but regret, guilt and sadness.  I have tested out different paths since then, trying to find the one that will lead me back to where happiness lies.  Most of them were dead ends.  My intentions were right but my directions were wrong.  The road I am traveling on now may or may not be the right one.  There’s no way for me to be sure.  I know what I want and what will make me happy, I just have to be patient and hope that those things are up ahead on this road. 
I can’t help but feel like I am always going to be traveling down a road to nowhere.  I am living in my past and cannot let go of what happened.  My mistakes haunt me and hold me back from moving forward.  I have achieved a lot over the past couple of years.  My success with my education have been amazing and things are great on the work front. I have built better friendships and ended those that weren’t good for me. It’s what goes on in the inside that makes things difficult for me.  No matter how well my life is going in every other aspect, when it comes to my relationship with myself I struggle.  I cannot forgive myself for the past.  I don’t think I will every be able to unless I know that Matthew forgives me.  I don’t care how long it takes or how hard it will be but I will earn his forgiveness some way somehow.  I know I am holding myself back from other opportunities. I know that there are other people out there I could be with but I cannot love them.  Thats not fair to them or me.  I compare everyone to him, down to every detail.  If by chance I were to meet someone that is almost just like him, it still wouldn’t work.  I would be with that person only because they are like matt, not because of who they are.  That is not right.  So here I am traveling down this road which may or may not lead me to happiness.  But I am following my heart and to me that feels right.  I know what I want to be at the other end but is it there?

Today March 4, 2014

Today was rough.  I didn’t have to work so I was at home in bed all day….alone….with my thoughts.  The day got better when my cousin Sean picked me up and we went to dinner.  I needed to get out of the house and it’s always nice spending time with him.  He always makes me laugh.  I got to watch a couple of my favorite shows this evening so I guess it wasn’t such a bad day overall.  I just hate being trapped in the house alone and not being able to go anywhere.  I’m so tired of the snow.  I’m ready for spring.  Then I can sit outside and enjoy the outdoors instead of being stuck in the house. 
This week is going to be difficult.  My mother and I both lost our best friends during this week….Sarah 3 years ago and Sheila last year.  I need to make sure to spend a lot of time with my mom this week to help her through it. 
And as usual I must bring up Matthew.  I still don’t know what to do now that he has read my letter.  I guess the only thing I can do is wait.  I’m just scared that if I wait too long without doing anything that there will be no hope left.  And then i’ll beat myself up for not doing anything when I had the chance.  What if I never see or talk to him again?  I won’t be okay with that.  The pain of being without him is already so intense.  What if I have to feel this for the rest of my life?  I just want to be in his life in some way.  He’s a part of me and I can’t go on forever without that part.  I need it. I need him. 

Mission Accomplished March 1, 2014

All I could think about over the past week is whether or not Matt had received my letter and if he read it.  I needed to know.  I finally asked Adam to see if he could find out for me.  To my surprise he had already asked him.  He did read it along with this blog.  I was not expecting to hear that.  I was hoping he would take the time to read the letter but I never thought he would read my posts too.  I don’t know how many of them he read or if it affected him in any way.  It could’ve just been nothing more than curiousity, but i’m hoping not.   My mood instantly changed after finding that out.  Nothing could’ve ruined my day after that.  The thing that got to me the most over the past year is that he didn’t know how I feel or where I stand.  Now he does.  The letter may change nothing for us but at least he now knows how much I still care for him.  That’s all I wanted.  I’m not expecting anything more right now.  But I am still holding onto the hope that we will be together again in the future no matter how far away that may be. 
The feelings I get when I think of him are so overwhelming. These feelings are always accompanied with sadness and tears but now I can smile through the tears knowing that he read what I wrote to him. At least now I have been able to express my feelings.  All I can do now is wait and pray.  I cannot and will not give up. 

In Route February 20, 2014

Yesterday I sent my letter to Matt.  I was so nervous about it.  I put it in the mail basket at work in the mornin. I happened to be standing up front when the mail man came in.  I watched him pick it up and walk out and I started wishing I could get it back.  I still keep wondering if I left something out or if I could’ve made it better somehow.  But most of all I just hope he reads it.  There’s no way for me to know whether or not he does.  But I really need him to know how I feel even if it doesn’t change anything. he either received it today or will tomorrow.  I’m so nervous. 

Letter to Matthew February 17, 2014

One of the reasons why I haven’t posted much lately is because I have been spending my evenings drafting a letter to Matthew.  I started to so many times in the past but just couldn’t find the words to say how I feel.  I began jotting down things into my phone here and there so that I didnt just sit down and write everything at once.  I do most of my best thinking while driving or when i’m some place where I can’t write anything down.  When I finally decided to get the courage to write the whole letter it took me hours.  I wrote it over several times before I was satisfied with it.  It ended up being 5 pages long.  I didn’t want it to be too long because Matt isn’t big on reading anything but there was no way I could say everything I wanted to without making it that long.  I haven’t sent it yet.  I keep thinking that after I do I will think of something else I should’ve written.  I WILL send it this week…..hopefully tomorrow.  I just pray he reads it.  I keep thinking What if he doesn’t even open it because he will know it’s from me?  I thought about printing address labels at work so he won’t be able to tell.  I still may do that.  Even if nothing changes and he feels no different after reading it, at least he will know how I feel.  I have no other way to tell him.  I cannot go on without telling him.  I love him with all my heart and I hope one day he will believe that. 

Nothing Changes January 22, 2014

With each passing day it gets harder and harder.  Isn’t it supposed to get easier with time?  Of course it is I who makes myself feel this way.  I haven’t completely let myself really try to move on.  Why should I?  Every time I try to even a little I find myself feeling aweful about it because that’s not truly what my heart wants. I end up breaking down and then building myself back up just to crash back down again.  It’s an unending cycle.  But as strange as it seems, i’d rather love him and feel all of this pain than not love at all.  There are moments when I have tears running down my face when it almost feels good…it’s nice to just let it out rather than keep it bottled up inside where no one knows.  Some people do that and try to hide how they feel from themselves, they act reckless and do things to numb the pain and try to forget but deep down it’s still there.  I try to tuck the pain away sometimes when i’m doing certain things so I won’t become too emotional like when i’m at school or working.  There are days when it is a struggle to keep the feelings hidden but I manage to get through it. But any other time I just let it happen.  My friends have all seen me struggle with it.  I sometimes can’t stand to be certain places, around certain people or to talk about certain things because I become emotional.  Not to extremes but enough so that my friends know something is not ok.  I try to hold back as much as possible but when it comes down to it, if I want to cry I’m going to cry.  It’s a daily thing for me so I’m not even embarassed by it anymore. 
My life these days isn’t completely miserable.  I have a job that I love and an amazing boss who cares a lot about me.  I am doing better in school than I ever thought I could and I might actually make it into dental hygiene school.  I take care of myself, I have a house, pay the bills, I work hard and I set goals and make sure to see each one through.  I have removed the toxic people from my life and I no longer allow people to influence who I am or what I feel.  After all I have lost in the past few years, I have managed to deal with everyday stresses without as much difficulty.  My ways of thinking about so many things have changed as well.  I have grown a lot but I have more growing to do still. 
I know that I cannot change the past but I can build a future that is so much better.  I know what I want out of life and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.  In the meantime, no matter how great things can be, the hole in my heart remains.  He is the one piece to my puzzle that I just dont have.  I will wait forever and a day for that missing piece to be replaced and I will do anything to get it back.  While everything else is changing, my heart remains the same.  Empty and hurt. The day that changes will be a day I will never ever forget. Will that day come?  All I can do is pray.  

Quotes That Remind Me of HIM <3 December 25, 2013

I find myself constantly browsing the internet for beautiful quotes that I can relate to.  It relaxes me and distracts me a bit so that I don’t just lay here crying because I miss Matt so much.  I must have hundreds of these saved on my phone.  There are not words that could possibly express how I feel about him but I really like these because they are all true.  I will always love him and I will miss him until either I can be with him again or until I die, whichever comes first.  True love NEVER dies and I believe anything is possible.