One of the reasons why I haven’t posted much lately is because I have been spending my evenings drafting a letter to Matthew. I started to so many times in the past but just couldn’t find the words to say how I feel. I began jotting down things into my phone here and there so that I didnt just sit down and write everything at once. I do most of my best thinking while driving or when i’m some place where I can’t write anything down. When I finally decided to get the courage to write the whole letter it took me hours. I wrote it over several times before I was satisfied with it. It ended up being 5 pages long. I didn’t want it to be too long because Matt isn’t big on reading anything but there was no way I could say everything I wanted to without making it that long. I haven’t sent it yet. I keep thinking that after I do I will think of something else I should’ve written. I WILL send it this week…..hopefully tomorrow. I just pray he reads it. I keep thinking What if he doesn’t even open it because he will know it’s from me? I thought about printing address labels at work so he won’t be able to tell. I still may do that. Even if nothing changes and he feels no different after reading it, at least he will know how I feel. I have no other way to tell him. I cannot go on without telling him. I love him with all my heart and I hope one day he will believe that.
Nothing Changes January 22, 2014
With each passing day it gets harder and harder. Isn’t it supposed to get easier with time? Of course it is I who makes myself feel this way. I haven’t completely let myself really try to move on. Why should I? Every time I try to even a little I find myself feeling aweful about it because that’s not truly what my heart wants. I end up breaking down and then building myself back up just to crash back down again. It’s an unending cycle. But as strange as it seems, i’d rather love him and feel all of this pain than not love at all. There are moments when I have tears running down my face when it almost feels good…it’s nice to just let it out rather than keep it bottled up inside where no one knows. Some people do that and try to hide how they feel from themselves, they act reckless and do things to numb the pain and try to forget but deep down it’s still there. I try to tuck the pain away sometimes when i’m doing certain things so I won’t become too emotional like when i’m at school or working. There are days when it is a struggle to keep the feelings hidden but I manage to get through it. But any other time I just let it happen. My friends have all seen me struggle with it. I sometimes can’t stand to be certain places, around certain people or to talk about certain things because I become emotional. Not to extremes but enough so that my friends know something is not ok. I try to hold back as much as possible but when it comes down to it, if I want to cry I’m going to cry. It’s a daily thing for me so I’m not even embarassed by it anymore.
My life these days isn’t completely miserable. I have a job that I love and an amazing boss who cares a lot about me. I am doing better in school than I ever thought I could and I might actually make it into dental hygiene school. I take care of myself, I have a house, pay the bills, I work hard and I set goals and make sure to see each one through. I have removed the toxic people from my life and I no longer allow people to influence who I am or what I feel. After all I have lost in the past few years, I have managed to deal with everyday stresses without as much difficulty. My ways of thinking about so many things have changed as well. I have grown a lot but I have more growing to do still.
I know that I cannot change the past but I can build a future that is so much better. I know what I want out of life and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. In the meantime, no matter how great things can be, the hole in my heart remains. He is the one piece to my puzzle that I just dont have. I will wait forever and a day for that missing piece to be replaced and I will do anything to get it back. While everything else is changing, my heart remains the same. Empty and hurt. The day that changes will be a day I will never ever forget. Will that day come? All I can do is pray.
Quotes That Remind Me of HIM <3 December 25, 2013
I find myself constantly browsing the internet for beautiful quotes that I can relate to. It relaxes me and distracts me a bit so that I don’t just lay here crying because I miss Matt so much. I must have hundreds of these saved on my phone. There are not words that could possibly express how I feel about him but I really like these because they are all true. I will always love him and I will miss him until either I can be with him again or until I die, whichever comes first. True love NEVER dies and I believe anything is possible.
5 Years December 21, 2013
I have begun to write today’s post over and over again, never making it past the first sentence. Why? Because it hurts to think about it. But I have to do it. I have to let it out.
5 years ago today I met the love of my life. Matthew D. Heath. He’s the most amazing person I know because he is the reason I have been able to accomplish so much. If it weren’t for my undying love for him I wouldn’t have made it to where I am now. He pushes me forward and encourages me without even knowing it. I miss him every single day but the girl I was doesn’t deserve him. I will continue to strive to become the very best I can be and pray to God that will be enough for him. I cannot possibly describe the feelings that I have or the struggles I have gone through in the past 2 years without him. But I am strong and I refuse to give in or give up. No matter how hard it is or how far out of reach he seems I will make it there. I will not stop until I am there. I sit here now with tears rolling down my cheeks because I wish more than anything that we could be together right now. He has no clue how much he means to me. No clue. I would give up anything in the world for the chance to talk to him face to face. He is still my everything, my reason for carrying on, my encouragement, my number one goal. I can only pray that one day he takes the time to read this blog and sees just how serious I am about how I feel. He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will love him forever.
Never Give Up December 19, 2013
I am unable to go a single day without thinking about Matt. He is still the one person I want to share my life with and I will never give up on that. He may hate me for what I have done and choose never to fogive me but then again maybe he will. The worst feeling there is to have is knowing exactly who you want to be with and not being able to be with that person. I don’t care how long I have to be alone. I know how I feel and I know what I want. Nothing will change that.
I am not the same person I was a couple years ago or even a year ago. I have grown up, I’ve changed. I have learned from the mistakes I’ve made and I have worked to become a much better person. I am proud of the changes I have made. The pain of my past pushes me forward and makes me work harder. I never want to make those mistakes again and I am confident that I won’t. Anyone can change if they want it badly enough. I couldn’t stand who I was at one point, the type of people I surrounded myself with and the things I did. Those days are behind me and I have become a much better person. I lost the most important person in my life and because of that I have pushed myself to become who I am now. He is the reason why I am so strong and determined and I wish I could thank him for that.