LaLa's Blog

My thoughts put into words

My Love December 21, 2012

Matthew Dane Heath.  Every time I hear his name I get this wonderful feeling inside that is soon replaced by a rush of painful emotions.  He is the one person who is worth crying over, the one worth waiting for and the one worth changing for.  Not only is he the love of my life but he is my will to live.  It’s a feeling that I could never explain and I don’t dare try to.  I met Matt or “Matchew” as I like to call him, in December of 2008.  I wasn’t looking for anyone at the time, but we met randomly at a Christmas party through mutual friends.  He was different of course.  I had never been in a relationship with anyone who actually treated me good.  I always fell for the guys that never really cared.  But Matt treated me better than I even thought was possible.  I remember wondering when it would end, when his true side would show like with the others, but that never happened, because he truly did care about me and wouldn’t hurt me.  It was actually my turn to do the hurting.  I lied, snuck around, did things that he wouldn’t approve of, kept things from him and above all, I took him for granted.  I betrayed his trust.  He didn’t deserve any of that and I have to live with the guilt of what I have done wrong.  When our relationship was ending, I made no attempts to prevent it from doing so…I thought that maybe it was better that way or that it was what I wanted, but I was wrong.  I was blinded by so many different people and things that I wasn’t sure how I felt.  I moved out of Matt’s house, which I had lived in for a year, and into my Aunt’s house thinking that I was doing the right thing.  Stupid me, I didn’t know what the right thing was.  Once reality set in and I realized how much damage I had caused, I panicked.  I had just lost the one thing in my life that made perfect sense.  I went through a period of denial, then anger, then extreme depression.  I had destroyed a wonderful future with someone who adored me….but for what?  Nothing.  I gained nothing.  Freedom?  I thought that’s what I wanted but that’s not at all what I wanted.  It took me losing everything to realize just how much it meant to me.  People say that happens a lot and I wonder why…Why can’t we just appreciate what we have?  I’m ashamed of my behavior towards him and the awful things I said and did.  I can never take those things back and that kills me.  It took me being told by a judge that I was to have no contact with him for 12 months for me to finally realize that there wasn’t anything I could do.  And no, I’m not some crazy person, but I did some stupid things because I was extremely upset.

That was 8 months ago.  Believe it or not, I actually think that the no contact order was one of the best things to ever happen to me.  I know it sounds weird, especially because of all the pain it has caused and is still causing me, but I have grown as a person in so many ways over the past few months and that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.  I know that everyone makes mistakes and the thing that separates a good person from a bad one is their ability to learn from those mistakes and to change so that those mistakes are not repeated.  I have learned from my past mistakes and I am taking steps to change and become a better person.  For months, all I did was sit around hating myself for what I had done and I tried hiding my feelings and blocking out the pain by drinking and partying and even going on dates in hopes to get over everything.  But those things are only temporary distractions…I don’t want to get over Matt and I can’t try to force out the feelings that I have.  I foolishly listened to other people, friends who neither understood nor cared about my situation and that only made me feel worse.  People tell me to “get over it” and “move on” but I refuse to do anything that I don’t want to do….not anymore.  I think that I truly needed something bad to happen in order for me to grow up and find myself.  I am a very emotional person and I am very easily influenced by people that I care about.  I have realized, however, that I can’t always do everything that other people want me to do,  I have to do what makes me happy.  I was happy with Matt but for reasons that no longer make sense, i felt that there was something else I needed…I allowed the opinions of others to effect how I felt, or thought I felt.  It’s so difficult to explain why I felt the way I did and what made me do the things I did.  Now I just want to be myself and do the things that make me happy.  I no longer care what other people think.  When April 2013 arrives, my no contact order will end.  I have accepted that nothing can change until then, but during this time, I will do what I need to do to become a better person and to love myself again.  I don’t know if it will make a difference to Matt, but I know that the person I was before doesn’t deserve to be with him.  I want to be someone who does.  It may not make sense to anyone else, but he is my greatest motivation.  There is nothing in this world that I want more than to be with him again and I will not give up.  I have set goals for myself and achieved them with no problems because every time I want to give up i think about him and how much he means to me.  When the time comes when i can legally see him again, I want to be the best person I can possibly be, because I am determined to prove that I have changed and I am a stronger and better person.  Will he believe me? I don’t know.  Will he even care at all?  I pray he will.  Will i be able to handle it if i fail?  No.

Matt is not just some guy.  He is everything to me.  He is the reason why I wanted to end my life a few months ago yet he is the reason why I am still here.  I can’t give up as long as there is hope.  I’m not just lonely…there are others out there, but I have no interest in being with anyone else.  I’m not just heart-broken.  I have been in the past and it sucked but I moved on.  This is different.  I only want to be with Matt.  I don’t want to move on.  I refuse to give up on something that means so much to me.  If I didn’t truly love him, I would have at least started to move on by now.  It has been a year.  But no, I love him even more now than i did before and i still hurt just as bad as I did 8 months ago.  I know what I feel is real and I refuse to just let go.  To anyone else, he is just a guy, but to me he is everything.  Nothing is going to change that.


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